JOGLE – Stage 11

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The last leg, yep 130km to the end goal. Set off a bit earlier than usual and immediately hurt myself just getting out of the B&B as the driveway was a 45 degree hill back up to the main road. What followed was 4 hours of hell, breakneck downhills followed by evil climbs repeating over and over. (Think one of those horrible programs you can dial into a gym workout bike) Then the rain started and what followed was 2 more hours of drizzling wet (at least it was not windy) As I got to penzance … the Wind started, a howling SW (in my face) slowing my speed to a leg busting grind.

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Eventually once I had negotiated an out of use cycle path (by climbing down to the sea and up over a newly constructed sea wall… bike over my head like some marine in a Vietnam movie) I was given a sign by the cycling gods..

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LANDS END…

the last few KM went on for what seemed ages with the wind (the rain had eventually given up)

A cheeky sprint at the end to give the impression that I had been doing some crazy speed all the way .. and the job was done.

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The bike is now at the bottom of the cliff at Lands End if anyone wants it. (Although I think the tide may have washed it out to sea)

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JOGLE -Stage 10

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Today the inmates took over the asylum.  Showing that an escape through the moors  was possible in just a single morning, Our intrepid duo crawled through a river of sh*t and came out clean on the other side — wait that is just the feeling we have trying to shower following Pauls morning routine at this point.  

Shawshank’s little tunnel that Andy has to wiggle through has nothing on the foul emanations that our cyclists take great pleasure in subjecting each other too. As the collateral damage, I can say that i will be glad to see that portion of the JOGLE done.  

Today however was the big push and after a so-so start the weather actually turned nice enough to enjoy the day in Devon.  Good times were made, otters were played with, football was watched with beer in hand…. wait that was me… yeah, yeah they cycled into oblivion it has tough but felt good blah blah blah

Alright so the fun parts were Mark entering Plymouth and promptly deciding that he needed a break and sabotaging his own cable so he just had to limp into a store for an hour cuddle break with the local cycle shop.  Surprisingly they only put up with him for 45 minutes before they  kicked him out  with a new cable and a new found appreciation for butt butter.

Meanwhile Paul descended into cycling nirvana and was off tackling every hill in Cornwall like Don Quixote in Holland.  And he went on and on and on and well  — congratulations to Paul as he has attempted to complete his JOGLE with a 1279 km ride today.  We eventually found his battered gel filled corpse in the town of Loo(e) which seemed a fitting place for him to end up.  

Now with a proper course set and an ocean stopping him from progressing further perhaps tomorrow he might manage to find Lands End.  

JOGLE – Stage 9

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Back over the biffins bridge into England again. Over the Severn bridge (old crossing) and back into England, We went under the Clifton suspension bridge (after a nightmare to get out of Bristol)

All went well until the last 30km which I shall describe into the theme of “Nintendo”

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We are now holed up in a fancy caravan park (yep we have a whole chalet to ourselves) Watching a bit of footy and the magic game is commencing. Tomorrow is the hard stage (130KM to put us in reach of the end) If I can dry all my stuff out before tomorrow that is.

JOGLE – Stage 8

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So a day of 2 half’s. We set off from Clun about 10am and straight into a stupid leg burning climb. I was zig zagging all over the road just to get up. Bit of a wakeup call for the legs. The view from the top was great but not worth the pain. We rode on to Hereford for a coffee stop which could  not come quick enough because the 30km to get there was the coldest, nasty, soaking 30km ever. Quick coffee refuel and a chocolate fudge cake later we were off to Monmouth  The descent down the Wye valley was great as the weather had cleared up and was more sheltered in the valley.

I hand you over to my other editors for the real story.

Rain, rain rain and pissing rain —  that was the story of the day wasn’t it Paul…. 

of course the piss part happened to be an offering by Mark to appease the Rain gods, as the fatigue and lack of intelligence brought the idea to swamp himself to keep warm.  The desperate ravings of the madman did appease the gods as the rain slowed and the day turned quite nice in the afternoon with only the profound stench of urine on his left leg left to let everyone know of his personal sacrifice.  This was widely appreciated by the fine folk of wales as he lounged in their cafes in the afternoon sunshine.

The wise decisions lasted late into the evening with a good curry for all and a few rounds.  The extra propulsion provide might just carry them across the Atlantic if this morning is any indication.  160 k plus expected out of them today and more rain — and i am sure to the preference of all residents of the southwest less of these bright ideas….. right … i will let you know how they choose to horrify Devon tonight.

 

 

JOGLE – Stage 7

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Oh thank god…. for flat ground. I woke up and went though the routine, 4 Ibuprofen, 10cms of anesthetic gel into my back, and a very large toothpaste squeeze of Butt Butter to be applied liberally into areas no one should ever go.

The stage was flat to start with, so good progress was made until the rain set in. Hour upon hour of dire pissy weather (not cold) Miles after miles of rain. It was a good job I haven’t touched a salad for days, I mean you dont want to risk that in weather like this.

There were 2 nasty digs before the end and then we sat in the local pub in Clun sampling all their poky beers. Back at the hotel the salad rebellion continued. I had a steak, jimbo had a mixed grill (KUDOS) meat fest. Paul had a steak  but he declined chips !!!!!!!!! and had something called a “Gratin Potato” .. I hope they liquidize the chips and add mayo ? even so its not right !!!..

We may make it over the bridge tomorrow…    we shall see.

You see that he cleverly skipped around the one part that is pertinent to the discussion Clun.  A lovely little town and all but 45 minutes away from the evenings accommodation.  Why 45 minutes, well the mornings conversation went:#

Driver: Hey there are no hotels in Clun — you need to push on a bit more so we can get into an area

Donkey 1: yeah got it, go ahead and book it dude

Muppet 2: mmmm bacon

now while i agree with Muppet 2,  the main point here is that they missed the need for them to sack up and push through  their biffin bites and show a bit of resolve.  Instead the driver had to rescue our maidens from the tall tall tower of pints which threaten to engulf them.  

Our poor idiots of course sat there as the driver scuttled back and forth and back and forth wasting his valuable pub time to take care of these two weaklings who crumble at the slightest hill.  So do please send them as many pictures of balls as you can in the hopes that they will be so shamed they might move past Hereford without the need for a welsh dragon appearing to singe these English dandies

 

 

 

JOGLE – Stage 6

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So today was never gonna go well, maybe because some idiot has been extending our distance quota on each day (Yep … Jeremy Clarkson is  with us) AND today the elastic snapped. Things started bad with some bad assed up and downs and then got worse as we entered the forest of Bowland. Basically a brutal 25km of leg breaking … morale supping evilness.

The road (although very pretty and nice scenery) was a 45 degrees .. wall of death or a 45 degrees decent of crazyness. with the wet weather half the corners were a river. All we could do was limp the bikes though the metropolis of Manchester / Liverpool and finished at Runcorn – where our fantastic driver picked us up and took us to Chester for the stop over.

We booked ourselves into the local pub quiz where we realised we have no chance (although Quizzy McQuizFace as a team name hopefully got a laugh) although not as much as the question…

“How many Toes does a camel have ?”

After an entree of various flavoured crisps / chips / whatever you call em in you country we were so hungry we walked 5k to a local shop and ordered midnight Kebabs (chilly sauce required) We introduced our driver to the custom of eating 5 bites of the garbage and then posting it into the first bin you can find….

(I woke early …. to spend some time in the bathroom “contemplating todays ride”)

Salads out, and kebabs in.. hardcore cycling diet in full effect. | finally getting things sorted on the nutritional front. you are welcome.  Now  look , i like a good kebab at the right moment and was this ever the right moment.  those flavored crisps above were the most awful blend of potatoes since the famine.   Who takes a potato and thinks you know what would be better — lets make this taste like a mushroom/beet vegetable medley — but since the pub couldn’t figure out how to make food and focused their Q&A  on obscure pop song artists from the 1980’s and camel toe the team was flagging.  

So leave it to the kebab man to rally the spirits and stay open late to serve the leftover kebab “meat” into some poor excuses to contract salmonella at midnight.  Apparently the defense for this was to only take of few bites and ditch it in the vain hope that only inserting the tip would somehow avoid the consequences that we all knew would follow.  Surprisingly no ghosts visited in the night, no cupboard rattling or eerie footsteps — also no women–because the stench and thunder that was firing out all night and morning could have kept Lord Nelson himself at bay.

So far this is setting up just like watching England play football.  A fast start, a good moment or three that you hope is more than it is, and then the slow steady decline into madness– but bloody meaty fueled goodness.  We have finally left the salad days behind us.

 

 

JOGLE-Stage 5

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Ahh the lake district, the serene and peaceful place of quiet reflection in nature… reflecting on the pain in their asses (check out the Biffin Bridge status today) as they realize that lakes are formed between hills.

The duo set off this morning expecting an easy ride over flat ground since leaving the highlands.  1500 meters of climbing time in the saddle later they had paid the penalty for their hubris.  Hubris indeed, as the butt butter had lain unused since a rather unfortunate experiment for us all early on in the trip.  now with five coats applied each they can barely manage to sit and drink a beer and eat a steak or in Paul’s case a salad –a green leafy salad so he could watch his figure.  For those of you gambling at home the over/under on his km for tomorrow is +/-85 before his body rebels and demands that he sacrifice a sheep. 

But for those of you interested in the actual people cycling well they are bathing in the joy that is their much anticipated return to England — Say Cheese 🙂

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(I lost Paul at the border – but picked up this chinese cyclist from Fuk Mae Bam provence)

and in case you thought that the madness had not taken hold of this ride, let me direct you to the following example of bigamy in the highlands — Mark and Alisha his darling bike were engaged to be married at 1202 local time.  So raise a toast to this unfortunate coupling as Alisha has proceed to pound him rawer than fine shashimi in her excitement over the announcement.  After the ceremony the best man stole off with the bridesmaid and rode her hard all the way to Burton travel lodge were he spent the night… well better not look in to closely at that room.  (pictures to follow on snapchat only)

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As for our editor in chief he blew out his back tire at the end of the day and spent a long time this evening in quiet reflection with the local vicar.  He asked were the tarts were but we saved him before almost certain temptation.

And now with the scotch raided, the beers drunk and the blog posted it is time to once again make fun of Paul for his salad and shandy.  Being the driver tonight might excuse the shandy but a fucking salad will never be forgiven.  May the sheep and cows of Wales find him and show him their best features to bring him back into the fold. 

Through Liverpool tomorrow– more to follow

In my defense, there was some chicken mixed in with the salad and I did have a side order of potato wedges to keep the carb count up…..ok…ok..I plead guilty your honor, as punishment I promise to eat whatever road kill I can fine en-route tomorrow. I am just pleased that today my rubbers did not let me down and I got through the day without any incidents, which was fortunate as I managed to leave my spare tubes and tool kit in the car before setting of this morning!!!

I know you should not laugh at other peoples misfortunes but after the last few days, I did nearly wet myself when big bro punctures less than 2km from the finish. Of course I could have stopped to help but it was still raining and there was a mole waiting at the counter!